Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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