A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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