i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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