Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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