Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Those nachos came to me in a dream
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
