I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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