oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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