1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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