My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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