i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
