So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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