FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
