just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
