You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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