Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
