my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
