Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
