i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
