Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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