I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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