Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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