and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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