tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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