Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
