i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
