the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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