If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
