I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
