Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Randomize
