I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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