I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
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