Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
