I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
