I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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