mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
