he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
