last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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