i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
