You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
