I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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