oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
