I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
