I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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