May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
