omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
