if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
