My hand turned me down
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
