Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
