I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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