capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
