Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Randomize
