why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
