i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
