The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
