The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
