im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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